Lost and Found

Been awhile bloggers. So much has happened.some good...most bad. Worried sick about a friend. didnt respond to emails or txts. Nasty, horrible things ran thru my mind. Mainly he was gone.I cried so much.I care very much for this person. I know Id just fall apart if something happened to him. But, hes ok, kinda. All I need to know that hes going to be ok. And my job is to be there if he needs me.
On the other hand...I lost something dear to my heart. He chose a different path without me. I truly hopes he finds happiness. but I still miss that AM.

How do I face inner and outer demons? My inner demons battle everyday. Sometimes I win...sometimes they do. Those are the days that are the darkest. I hate things about myself.Hell, I dont know if I even like myself most of the time. I should be happy with the things I have been given. But I feel i have to sell my soul to even wakeup tomorrow.I lose myself in music. Daydream about the shoulda, woulda, coulda.
I feel isolated and alone.I have a few friends. But they dont want to here bad stuff.
Would it be easier if I was gone? I cant answer that. But, Do I Matter to anyone??
Thats what I need to know..Am I Valued?
When others come to me and ask for help..I always say my magic wand broke about an hour ago. But who has a magic wand for me?
I hate this so much. I wanna be a normal person. I want MY life back. But all falls on deaf ears. Who can fix me...when I dont even know where to start.
Yeah I know-pretty sad state of affairs. If I can wake up tomorrow,,,as a great guy once said--just try and keeps those plates spinning and dont break them...hah im using paper plates now...I Hope and pray for my superhero guy. He matters.
so i just keeping spinning for now....and hope.

cœur mort

Ressenti depuis longtemps les désirs, les espoirs aussi longtemps que vain -
tristes soupirs - larmes lentes habitué à courir triste
en tant que de nombreuses rivières comme deux yeux pourrait ajouter,
versant comme des fontaines, sans fin comme la pluie -
la cruauté au-delà de l'humanité, une douleur
si fort que ça rend fou étoiles compassion
de pitié: ce sont les premières passions que j'ai eu.
Pensez-vous que l'amour pouvait racine dans mon âme encore?
Si l'arc voûté grand retour sur moi,
m'a léché à nouveau avec le feu, et m'a poignardé profonde
avec le pire violence, aussi horrible que avant,
les blessures qui m'ont coupé everwhere garderait
me blindé, il n'y aurait pas de place libre
pour l'amour. Il me couvre. Il peut percer plus.

This is what my Horoscope said Today...crack me up!!

A hundred years from now, a problem that is weighing on your mind will be absolutely meaningless. Keep that in perspective as you deal with the stress you are causing yourself over a certain issue. You have a choice to let go of something that you cannot control. So many wonderful things are going on in your life now, and even more amazing changes are coming as well - so put aside anything that isn't positive and life-affirming. Instead of wondering how you will cope with a certain difficulty, ponder how much you will enjoy upcoming changes.

if youre reading this

The previous post is for lost friends and loved ones. Ive been reminded by a close friend of the sacrafices made everyday. And the sadness every soldier brings home.My family has been Navy for a long time. I have several friends that have been or are going to war.To all my EOD guys...make sure to duck.LOL. May God keep you in his Graces and Favours. And bring you ALL home safe, sound and blessed.

And to anyone who might read this-Thank a soldier or two.Say a prayer or many. Smile when you see a uniform. Buy them a beer or a drink. Offer a hand when needed. Never forget them. Even those that have been left behind.Say Welcome Home with Love.


Thanks Guys and Gals for all that you do. and all that you have done!!!

IF YOU'RE READING THIS

If you're reading this
My Mommas sittin there
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here
Sure wish I
Could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids

I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
I'm up here with God and we're both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed
That it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home

If you're reading this
Half way around the world
I wont be there
To see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stand up for the innocent and weak

I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
Tell dad I don't regret that I followed in his shoes


If you're reading this
Theres going to come a day
When you'll move on
And find some one else
And that's OK
Just remember this
I'm in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing amazing grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed
That it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home

YOU'RE LIKE COMING HOME

Ridin' restless under a broken sky
Weary traveler, something missin' inside
Always lookin' for a reason to turn around

Desperate for a little peace of mind
Just a bit of what I left behind
Well, I found it now
Oh, you're like coming home

You're like a Sunday morning, pleasin' my eyes
You're a mid-summer's dream under a star-soaked sky
That peaceful, easy feelin' at the end of a long, long road
You're like comin' home
You're like comin' home
You're like comin' home

Go ahead let your hair fall down
The wanderlust is gone now
Here in your arms
I'm safe from the world again

These are the days that can't be erased
Baby, there isn't a better place
You're like Heaven
Oh, you're like comin' home

Oh...
You're that innocence
That serenity
That long lost part of me

You're like a Sunday morning, pleasin' my eyes
You're a mid-summer's dream under a star-soaked sky
That peaceful, easy feelin' at the end of a long, long road

Oh, you're like comin' home

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I

MORE THAN A FEELING

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling
(More than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play
(More than a feeling)
I begin dreaming
(More than a feeling)
'Til I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It's more than a feeling
(More than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play
(More than a feeling)
I begin dreaming
(More than a feeling)
'Til I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away

It's more than a feeling
(More than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play
(More than a feeling)
I begin dreaming
(More than a feeling)
'Til I see Marianne walk away

ALONE

Maybe I give up too easy, maybe I don't fight enough
Maybe my heart is afraid of falling in love
Maybe I'm too scared to find out what it feels like to hurt
Maybe I worry I'll land with my face in the dirt

If I don't try I won't know
These walls that surround me they're strong and they're tall
I could slip and fall with noone to catch me at all
And end up alone

Am honest heart tried to love me
But I had nothing to give
I just wanted to see how much I could get
We're all guilty of wanting the very thing we can't have
The more that we take the sooner that we crash

But if I don't try I won't know
These walls that surround me they're strong and they're tall
I could slip and fall with noone to catch me at all
And end up alone

Something's changing inside me, something here wants to break free
I thought love was a blind spot, I believe
I don't want to end up alone

Maybe I give up too easy
Maybe I don't fight enough
Maybe my heart is afraid of falling in love

BLUE SKY

So your conscience finally hit you
And you’re feeling guilty
And you’re wishing I was there
So you wanna say you’re sorry
Well, please forgive me if I’m too gone to care
You can take back your goodbyes
Wipe off those sad eyes
‘Cause I’ve got some tears of my own

The Weather man says it’s gonna rain tonight
The kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights
Should have thought of that before
‘Cause I’m not your blue sky anymore

So you heard the pitter-patter of a lost heart beating
And you learned what it was for
So you made a list of shoulders that you’d be needing
Well mine aren’t yours anymore
Come on show me your temper
Be the man I remember
So I won’t forget what you’ve done

The weather man says it’s gonna rain tonight
The kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights
Should have thought of that before
‘Cause I’m not your blue sky anymore

The weather man says it’s gonna rain tonight
The kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights
Should have thought of that before
‘Cause I’m not your blue sky

Don’t wanna be that blue sky
I’m not your blue sky anymore

ANGEL

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

BITCH

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Oh Happy Day

Its funny, that the smallest thing can make a day better. For me, I know that all is good in the world for 30 mins when A Charlie Brown Christmas is on. When we watch that, the world around me can be silent, but it speaks volumes for the simple things in life. That warm comforting "dorkiness" that it has. The peace it grants the viewer. The idea that we can get back to the easy happy times.

Or, a beautiful, soft, sunny day. Music playing.Taking time to be...well, just BE. The smell of fresh cut grass. Kids laughing while racing on their bikes. The sounds of a neighborhood.
The best time is after dinner, the sun is not quite setting,smells of BBQ, friends wave as they walk by. Sitting on the front porch. Finding that radio station thats playing music that you normally dont listen to. Like ABBA. And the crazy thing, you know all the words. And it takes you by surprise. You realize after a moment that your singing out loud. And you dont care. You laugh as cars slow down and just stare. And then they laugh and you know they get it! The break from being...what ever the world labels you. For that moment, you get back to the core of what or who you are. And, we all know that the next day can and will be different. But you have this wonderful memory of one perfect Saturday night. No one cares that you're not dressed up, no one to impress, to look good for. Your hair looks crazy and no makeup. Sweatpants and silly rainbow socks. And you hope that God grants you another day like this soon. Maybe share it with friends. Maybe over beer and Cheeseburgers. I thank God silently for today. And I hope this type of day is granted to others that I know and have in my life. I am grateful for all of them. I am grateful for all that I have.
And I am grateful for the courage to sing ABBA at the top of my lungs and not care!!!
Smile & be Dorky!!!

Merciful Dance

Writhing bodies clad in black. Flow past me as I stare.Like beacons on a stormy sea. The lights around them flare.
Leather, velvet, metal, lace -These ornaments they don,Yet their necks remain unclothed.For me to gaze upon.
Swirling through the smoke-filled air,The music lifts their soul.Succumbing to this sonic drug,Their minds have lost control.
I pull my cloak in close to meAnd drift into the crowd.I search each ghoulish painted face.As death looms like a cloud.
My angel's face appears to meAmidst the swaying mass.I glide to her through sound and haze,Ignoring those I pass.
My eyes fixate upon her skin -So smooth, so soft, so white...Her naked arms flail wildly.She waltzes with the night.
I reach out, and I touch her hair.Which has fallen in her eyes.She sees me for the first time now.And jumps back in surprise.
I grasp her hand and pull her near.She's powerless to my touch.I feel her warmth flow into me.I want her blood so much.
But I can bring no harm to her,Despite my deadly urge.As I stand there with my love,My heaven and hell converge.
I cannot make her who I am.To live eternally,Feeding off the innocent.As they die painfully.
And so I share a final danceWith her before I go.I kiss her lips once, turn away,And let my hunger grow.

$^&$^$$^&)$&())(*&^%$#@#

Great title line huh.....?

So, this all is a huge cluster fuck......................house,money,personally,all of it. And I have no one,,,to help, to listen......to whatever.................

I want a refund!!!!

this ride sucks!!!!

Thunderstorms

Despondent-Vacant-Crashing-Dark-Lost-Scared-Pissed off-Sad-Losing Control-Hurt.


Go away........................................

Which way?

Sunday afternoon. And Im trying to figure out which way to go. One path before me with some promise of a future that could make my dreams come true.But at what price. Another path leads me to a quiet place, where I could be happy. But would I be content. There are so many cliche sayings,OPPURTUNITY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE, FOLLOW YOUR HEART NOT YOUR HEAD, KHARMA'S A BITCH.
A wise and kind person said to me recently that we dont cause bad kharma to ourselves if we do bad things. A negative reaction from the universe does not kick back to a bad action Ive done.
CHAOS THEORY-IF A BUTTERFLY FLAPS ITS WINGS IN CHINA.A HURRICANE IS CAUSED IN FLORIDA. or whatever the saying is. If I go to LA will I cause chaos here at home.(secret-i usually cause chaos anyway). Will I ever get a chance like this again? Do I deserve a chance like this? If I go will i have something to come back to? More think time........peace.

How do you face failure?

Im sitting here staring at the keyboard not really knowing what to write. Yesterday was hard. I feel like things are being dumped on me more and more. im trying to move forward, but it seems im just standing in a muddy hole.
I feel so alone. And i know most of the pain is from what i did. But, who do I ask forgiveness from? How can I forgive myself when no one will forgive me. I hate feeling this way. Im trying to get excited about my interview. But I dread it more than anything. How do you face failure? How do you go back to the life youve been trying to get away from? I want to be someone special.I want friends.I want people to tell me "great job".Or "im so proud of you."
When I close my eyes at night I want peace. But all I see is disaster and pain. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh at stupid stuff. I want to listen to music and not cry.

HOW DO YOU FACE FAILURE????

New song-best lyrics

havent been to church since I don’t remember when Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls I pray all your dreams never come true Just know whereever you are honey, I pray for you I’m really glad I found my way to church ‘Cause I’m already feelin’ better and I thank God for the words Yeah I’m goin’ take the high road And do what the preacher told me to do You keep messin’ up and I’ll keep prayin’ for you I pray your tire blows out at 110 I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls I pray all your dreams never come true Just know whereever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car, wherever you are honey, I pray for you. I pray for you.