Lost and Found

Been awhile bloggers. So much has happened.some good...most bad. Worried sick about a friend. didnt respond to emails or txts. Nasty, horrible things ran thru my mind. Mainly he was gone.I cried so much.I care very much for this person. I know Id just fall apart if something happened to him. But, hes ok, kinda. All I need to know that hes going to be ok. And my job is to be there if he needs me.
On the other hand...I lost something dear to my heart. He chose a different path without me. I truly hopes he finds happiness. but I still miss that AM.

How do I face inner and outer demons? My inner demons battle everyday. Sometimes I win...sometimes they do. Those are the days that are the darkest. I hate things about myself.Hell, I dont know if I even like myself most of the time. I should be happy with the things I have been given. But I feel i have to sell my soul to even wakeup tomorrow.I lose myself in music. Daydream about the shoulda, woulda, coulda.
I feel isolated and alone.I have a few friends. But they dont want to here bad stuff.
Would it be easier if I was gone? I cant answer that. But, Do I Matter to anyone??
Thats what I need to know..Am I Valued?
When others come to me and ask for help..I always say my magic wand broke about an hour ago. But who has a magic wand for me?
I hate this so much. I wanna be a normal person. I want MY life back. But all falls on deaf ears. Who can fix me...when I dont even know where to start.
Yeah I know-pretty sad state of affairs. If I can wake up tomorrow,,,as a great guy once said--just try and keeps those plates spinning and dont break them...hah im using paper plates now...I Hope and pray for my superhero guy. He matters.
so i just keeping spinning for now....and hope.

cœur mort

Ressenti depuis longtemps les désirs, les espoirs aussi longtemps que vain -
tristes soupirs - larmes lentes habitué à courir triste
en tant que de nombreuses rivières comme deux yeux pourrait ajouter,
versant comme des fontaines, sans fin comme la pluie -
la cruauté au-delà de l'humanité, une douleur
si fort que ça rend fou étoiles compassion
de pitié: ce sont les premières passions que j'ai eu.
Pensez-vous que l'amour pouvait racine dans mon âme encore?
Si l'arc voûté grand retour sur moi,
m'a léché à nouveau avec le feu, et m'a poignardé profonde
avec le pire violence, aussi horrible que avant,
les blessures qui m'ont coupé everwhere garderait
me blindé, il n'y aurait pas de place libre
pour l'amour. Il me couvre. Il peut percer plus.

This is what my Horoscope said Today...crack me up!!

A hundred years from now, a problem that is weighing on your mind will be absolutely meaningless. Keep that in perspective as you deal with the stress you are causing yourself over a certain issue. You have a choice to let go of something that you cannot control. So many wonderful things are going on in your life now, and even more amazing changes are coming as well - so put aside anything that isn't positive and life-affirming. Instead of wondering how you will cope with a certain difficulty, ponder how much you will enjoy upcoming changes.